Zed Had a good joke try this 1
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Atroxrougue
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Zed Had a good joke try this 1
One time this guy went to a bar to hang out with some friends. after a few drinks, he decides that he should start heading home because he didn't want his wife to know he'd been drinking, and more so, wanted not to barf all over himself. So he tells his freinds he's gonna go home, but they say "No man! come on, just have one more, if you throw up, i'll give you 10 bucks and you can just say it was the guy next to you." So he took one more drink and ended up throwing up all over himself. so he goes home and sees his wife sitting on the couch and she sees him with the puke all over his shirt. immediately he says, "Hey don't worry, it was the guy next to me and he gave me 10 bucks to spend on a new shirt. so his wife reaches in his pocket and pulls out the money. "But this is only a 20 dollar bill. I thought he gave you 10?" "I know, He crapped in my pants too."
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Atroxrougue
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An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says,
"We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive."
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen," and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France," and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo," and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
"We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump. At least one of you will survive."
The four open the door and look out below.
The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers, "God Save The Queen," and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers, "Viva La France," and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers, "Remember the Alamo," and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.
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Snakebite
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Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman having a quiet drink togeather when the competative urge strikes...
Irishman: Oy bet you both that Oy can drop moy watch off dat tall department store building over dere & catch it at the bottom...
Englishman: By God Paddy, you've got a bet!
Scotsman: Aye! Ye'll be wanting to put a wager on that will ye?
So they all agree to pay the winner ?âÔÇÜ?é?ú500 each...
At the top of the building, the Englishman decides to go first...
He leans over the edge & drops his antique pocketwatch off the edge...
He runs to the roof door, runs down the stairs, past the womens underware section, down the stairs, past the bedding section, down the stairs, past the kitchen section, down the stairs, past the cafe, down the stairs, past the furnature section, down the stairs, past the perfume section, down the stairs, out thru the foyer & out into the street...
Where he finds his expensive antique pocketwatch all mangled on the floor...
The Scotsman goes next...
He leans out over the edge & drops his Rolex off the edge...
He runs to the roof door, runs down the stairs, past the womens underware section, down the stairs, past the bedding section, down the stairs, past the kitchen section, down the stairs, past the cafe, down the stairs, past the furnature section, down the stairs, past the perfume section, down the stairs, out thru the foyer & out into the street...
& is just in time to see his Rollex hit the floor & explode into hundereds of pieces...
Now it's the Irishmans turn...
He leans out over the edge & drops his ?âÔÇÜ?é?ú5 badly made watch over the edge...
He walks to the roof door, walks down the stairs, past the womens underware section (where he buys some fancy nickers for his girlfriend, down the stairs, past the bedding section, down the stairs, past the kitchen section, down the stairs, into the cafe (where he has a cup of tea & a toasted teacake, down the stairs, past the furnature section, down the stairs, past the perfume section (where he gets a bottle of chanell for his wife, down the stairs, out thru the foyer & out into the street...
To where the Englishman & the Scotsman are waiting...
Smiles at them, looks up, holds out his hand & catches his cheap ?âÔÇÜ?é?ú5 watch...
Well, the Englishman & the Scotsman are totaly flabergasted at this...
Englishman: How on earth did you do that?
Scotsman: Aye! Ye'd be better telling us now before ye get a mouthfull of heed!
Irishman: Ah, to be sure, twas always a crap watch... Half an hour slow since I bought it... ...!
Irishman: Oy bet you both that Oy can drop moy watch off dat tall department store building over dere & catch it at the bottom...
Englishman: By God Paddy, you've got a bet!
Scotsman: Aye! Ye'll be wanting to put a wager on that will ye?
So they all agree to pay the winner ?âÔÇÜ?é?ú500 each...
At the top of the building, the Englishman decides to go first...
He leans over the edge & drops his antique pocketwatch off the edge...
He runs to the roof door, runs down the stairs, past the womens underware section, down the stairs, past the bedding section, down the stairs, past the kitchen section, down the stairs, past the cafe, down the stairs, past the furnature section, down the stairs, past the perfume section, down the stairs, out thru the foyer & out into the street...
Where he finds his expensive antique pocketwatch all mangled on the floor...
The Scotsman goes next...
He leans out over the edge & drops his Rolex off the edge...
He runs to the roof door, runs down the stairs, past the womens underware section, down the stairs, past the bedding section, down the stairs, past the kitchen section, down the stairs, past the cafe, down the stairs, past the furnature section, down the stairs, past the perfume section, down the stairs, out thru the foyer & out into the street...
& is just in time to see his Rollex hit the floor & explode into hundereds of pieces...
Now it's the Irishmans turn...
He leans out over the edge & drops his ?âÔÇÜ?é?ú5 badly made watch over the edge...
He walks to the roof door, walks down the stairs, past the womens underware section (where he buys some fancy nickers for his girlfriend, down the stairs, past the bedding section, down the stairs, past the kitchen section, down the stairs, into the cafe (where he has a cup of tea & a toasted teacake, down the stairs, past the furnature section, down the stairs, past the perfume section (where he gets a bottle of chanell for his wife, down the stairs, out thru the foyer & out into the street...
To where the Englishman & the Scotsman are waiting...
Smiles at them, looks up, holds out his hand & catches his cheap ?âÔÇÜ?é?ú5 watch...
Well, the Englishman & the Scotsman are totaly flabergasted at this...
Englishman: How on earth did you do that?
Scotsman: Aye! Ye'd be better telling us now before ye get a mouthfull of heed!
Irishman: Ah, to be sure, twas always a crap watch... Half an hour slow since I bought it... ...!
Two buddies are drinking beer in a pub. As time passes, empty bottles in front of them accumulate, their speach is geting blurry , actions insecureand pressure in bladder unbearable. So one of guys stands up and makes his way to toilet.
As he passes bar, barman stops him saying. "Be carefull what you do inside, my wife just cleaned toilets.". "mate, don't worry", drunk replies, "I'm champion pisser. Hell, I'll even bet you 100 bucks I can piss right into glass across bar even when drunk". Barman agrees, a bit out of curiosity and even more out of prospect of easy money. Surely enough, drunk pisses all over bar, on fllor, bar-stools, even barman himself doesn't escape dry.
But drunk holds his word and pays out lost bet. Barman, laughing while counting money, notices drunk is laughing with him. "Why are you so chearfull? You just lost money?" "you see", says drunk, "before going to toilet, I bet with my mate over there, that I can piss all over your pub and you and you'll even laugh. Wager was 500 bucks."
As he passes bar, barman stops him saying. "Be carefull what you do inside, my wife just cleaned toilets.". "mate, don't worry", drunk replies, "I'm champion pisser. Hell, I'll even bet you 100 bucks I can piss right into glass across bar even when drunk". Barman agrees, a bit out of curiosity and even more out of prospect of easy money. Surely enough, drunk pisses all over bar, on fllor, bar-stools, even barman himself doesn't escape dry.
But drunk holds his word and pays out lost bet. Barman, laughing while counting money, notices drunk is laughing with him. "Why are you so chearfull? You just lost money?" "you see", says drunk, "before going to toilet, I bet with my mate over there, that I can piss all over your pub and you and you'll even laugh. Wager was 500 bucks."
"War may be Hell....but it's good for business!"
-The Association for Merchants,Manufacturers, and Morticians
-The Association for Merchants,Manufacturers, and Morticians
...so this guy walks into a bar with a monkey on his shoulder:
"Hey man! No monkeys allowed!" the bartender says.
"Aw don't worry about it man." said the monkey man. "This monkey is trained and very polite. He won't cause trouble."
After some coaxing, the bartender agrees. But after a while the monkey man was starting to loosen up and had his pet monkey on the bar doing tricks. All of the sudden the monkey jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
"Hey man! You need to get that monkey outa here! And you get the hell outa here too!" screamed the bartender. So the monkey and the man left....
....6 months later the man and the monkey showed up at that same bar.
"Hey man! No monkeys allowed!" the bartender says.
"Aw don't worry about it man." said the monkey man. "This monkey is trained and very polite. He won't cause trouble."
After some coaxing, the bartender agrees. But after a while the monkey was walking around on the bar. He was sticking the peanuts up his butt; then eating them. Needless to say this did not please the patrons at the bar. Finaly the bartender asked the monkey man, "Whats up with your monkey stickin' the peanuts in his ass and eating them?"
The monkey man responded, "Well after that pool ball incident, he checks everything for size."
"Hey man! No monkeys allowed!" the bartender says.
"Aw don't worry about it man." said the monkey man. "This monkey is trained and very polite. He won't cause trouble."
After some coaxing, the bartender agrees. But after a while the monkey man was starting to loosen up and had his pet monkey on the bar doing tricks. All of the sudden the monkey jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball and swallows it.
"Hey man! You need to get that monkey outa here! And you get the hell outa here too!" screamed the bartender. So the monkey and the man left....
....6 months later the man and the monkey showed up at that same bar.
"Hey man! No monkeys allowed!" the bartender says.
"Aw don't worry about it man." said the monkey man. "This monkey is trained and very polite. He won't cause trouble."
After some coaxing, the bartender agrees. But after a while the monkey was walking around on the bar. He was sticking the peanuts up his butt; then eating them. Needless to say this did not please the patrons at the bar. Finaly the bartender asked the monkey man, "Whats up with your monkey stickin' the peanuts in his ass and eating them?"
The monkey man responded, "Well after that pool ball incident, he checks everything for size."
More Vikings... :p
What does your daddy do for a living?
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in
front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the
alley with some guy and makes love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He plays for the Minnesota Vikings, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up-- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in
front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the
alley with some guy and makes love with him for money."
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the
other children to work on some coloring, and took Little David aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"
"No," said David, "He plays for the Minnesota Vikings, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."
My bad. I thought this was the joke thread.
Last edited by Sefus on Wed Nov 02, 2005 1:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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